Idle Hands
by Depraved Sociopath
Summary: I was tired, bored, and insane. It wasn't my fault. The Devil made me do it.


Akane took a deep breath and addressed the group that had gathered per her invitation.

"All right, everybody, quiet down. Now, I suppose you're all wondering why I asked you here. Well, I did so to tell everyone something. Something that some of you will take well, some of you will take not so well, and some of you will really not care about." She looked to Pantyhose with this last addition, and everyone looked to him, also. 

"What? So I don't care what goes on in your lives! Is that a crime?" 

Everyone turned back to Akane, who resumed her speech. "Now, as I have mentioned, some of you will take this badly, and may get violent. As this is true, I have to ask for everyone to agree to not get violent or rowdy. You will all hear the news here, and will act properly as guests here. When you reach your perspective homesteads . . . " Ryoga blushed " . . . you can laugh, cry, sing, beat up your family, beat up a dummy, whatever. But not here. Or I won't tell you, and you'll all be very sorry." 

Pantyhose spoke up again. "What if we don't agree? I mean, not that I CARE or anything, but what will happen if someone doesn't agree?" 

Nabiki fielded that one. "I'll call in all your debts . . . " she looked to Kuno and Cologne " . . . cancel your passports . . . " she looked to Ryoga, Pantyhose and the China gang " . . . destroy any business you may own . . . " Ukyo and the China gang fielded this glance " . . . and give your picture and a nasty record of perversions to the police so you won't be able to come within 300 yards of a bath house, lingerie store, or all-girls school without being hauled off to jail without a trial." Happosai visibly wilted. "Not to mention that I'll make your lives a living hell, making for damn sure that you can't own property, get a job, or even get insurance ever again. But then, that goes without saying." 

Nabiki smiled like a lioness on the hunt as everyone said in unison: "I agree!" 

Akane smiled at her sister, and turned her focus back to the crowd. "Now, what I'm going to tell you has to do with my love life." 

Ukyo, Shampoo, Cologne, both Kunos, Ryoga, Gosunkugi, and their respective admirers (Konatsu, Tsubasa, (Wait, Tsubasa? Where'd he come from? Oh, yeah. I didn't register that tree as a person at first. Sorry!) Mousse, etc.) unconsciously held their breaths. 

Soun got ready for waterfall mode or Demon Head mode (whatever the situation called for. You gotta be prepared, right?), and Genma fidgeted nervously and looked to Nodoka, rubbing his gut and neck. 

"I have called you all here today to tell you that I am in love with someone here. In fact, I've been in love with that person for a long time, and have been having a secret relationship for a while, now." 

Soun prepared his teary-head mode. 

Genma hid himself behind Tsubasa. 

Nodoka did nothing. 

Ranma . . . well, you really can't say much for Ranma. He's generally . . . Ranma. He was too busy being an arrogant jerk to react. 

"I'm in love with . . . Ukyo." Ukyo went up to Akane and kissed her gently on the lips. Akane hugged her to her side and looked out to the audience, who had collectively facefaulted. "Well, there you have it. I'm in love with Ukyo, and am a lesbian. I'm never going to marry Ranma, so he'll have to marry Kasumi or Nabiki." 

Nabiki quickly interjected with practiced ease, yielded from many years of business dealings. "Not really. He can't marry me, either, because I'm in love with Kodachi and Nodoka." 

Those women blushed and bowed their heads. 

Genma had passed out cold.

Nabiki continued. "So, Ranma will have to marry Kasumi. Have fun, oneechan!" she added as she smiled and got back down. 

This time, it was Shampoo's turn to interject. "No, she won't. You see, Kasumi and I are in love. She isn't marrying Ranma for anything." 

Soun . . . nevermind. You know very well what Soun was doing. (hint: Niagra) 

"Um, Shampoo? When did you learn Japanese so well?" asked all the people who hadn't gone into shock. I.E. Pantyhose. "I've always known how, but Cologne wouldn't let me make that fact known. She wanted me to distract Ranma and Mousse so she could have an affair with Happosai and Konatsu." 

Those people left in a hurry. 

"So, let me get this straight," Nabiki started as she got out a pad of paper and a pencil and started jotting down figures "Ukyo+Akane=Kasumi+Shampoo=Nodoka+Kodachi+me=Happosai+Cologne+Konatsu=love? That's . . . mind boggling." She scratched her head with the pencil and looked around the room. "So, everyone's accounted for except for Pantyhose, Ranma, Gosunkugi, Daddy, Mr. Saotome, Kuno, Mousse, and Tsubaba. Does that mean you're gay?" 

Kuno fielded this question. "Not at all, my dear Nabiki. You see, you are not the only women in this fair city. I am in love with a special someone; one who's beauty is..." he continued for a while, but all of the information pertinent to the subject at hand had already been given, so everyone just tuned him out. 

Tsubaba was next. "Damn! I can't have Ukyo?!?" He thought for a moment, then shrugged. "Oh, well. Back to stalking idol singers!" And the tree left, revealing a puzzled Genma. 

Genma, who had just woken up, and had been thinking about the situation at hand (looking to be in alot of pain from all that thinking), looked to his son, Ranma. "Well, boy, how do you feel about this?" 

Soun interrupted, crying his eyes out. Perhaps not that surprising, actually. "OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!! My little girls are lesbians! What will the city think?!? What of the engagement?!? What of Dr. Tofu, Kasumi? What of . . . *BONK*" Kasumi dusted her hands as the mallet disappeared. "He'll be better once he wakes up," she stated with a smug grin.

"Kasumi! That wasn't very nice to do to father!" Akane scolded. 

"Well, he DID deserve it, for once," observed Nabiki, cleaning her fingernails.

"Still, Nabiki. Kasumi didn't have to hit him like that." Akane frowned, looking very mother-like.

"Well, serves the guy right. I've been telling him for the longest time to keep that big mouth of his shut, but he never listens to me." 

All present looked to the speaker of that last sentence. Namely, Mousse. 

Mousse looked innocent and . . . femenine . . . as he said "What? You think it's so impossible for Soun-chan and I to be in love?" 

"With all that's come out tonight, not really," was Ranma's first comment for a while, and so startled Genma out of the fantasy about his wife and her entourage of consorts. 

"Ah, Ranma. So, what DO you think of this whole situation?" asked Genma, looking unusually concerned for a stuck up, conceited, greedy, self-serving, coniving, lying, evil person.

"Eeeh. I've been waiting for a chance to go back to college for SO long, I'm actually glad. I mean, I don't have to act like a jackass anymore. I don't have to be stupid!" Ranma smiled largely, obviously in awe of his state of affairs. "I can actually be myself!" Ranma, knowing that he didn't have to 'impress' Akane anymore, took out the contacts he'd been wearing and put on his glasses. They made him look . . . stupid. (Life isn't always like the movies! GET USED TO IT!!!) He then proceeded to amaze his audience by expounding on his feelings about his situation. "I can dress like I want to, I can ACT like I want to, and I get to DO what I want to! This is actually one of the best things that has happened to me!" 

Genma then smiled and inquired "Do you think that you can get back into college with YOUR record?" 

Ranma sobered. "I sure hope so," stated Ranma quietly, with a worried look on his face.

Genma laughed. Not his usual evil laugh, but a light hearted laugh: The laugh of a GOOD man. "Ranma, I was kidding. They'd me MORE than happy to have you back. I mean, I don't think a whole lot of former 10-year old quad-majors re-apply to college."

Ranma smiled, with a light blush kissing his cheeks. "You're forgetting that I was getting a 4.0, too."

Genma laughed out loud. "Modest, too."

Ranma's face took on a look of somber contemplation again. "Yeah, but still; I'm kinda scared about the whole prospect of going back to college. I mean, seeing all of my old professors, seeing people that I met at college earlier that STILL haven't graduated, meeting NEW people . . . I'm not really looking foreward to that." 

"Well, son, you'll have your old man there to help you through it." Genma walked over to his son, putting his hands on Ranma's shoulders in a comforting manner.

Ranma looked up to his father, his eyes shining with unshed tears. "Thanks, father. I love you." 

Genma and Ranma embraced as the author of this piece was thoroughly throttled by Rumiko Takahashi and her band of big, strong, bloodthirsty lawyers. 

::ENDING SCENE:: Soun and Mousse ride off into the sunset on horseback while the credits scroll up and across the screen


End file.
